Back in December of 2018, I had a miscarriage. I had become pregnant at the end of October and didn’t find out until the beginning of December that I was pregnant… but by the time I had found out, I was already in the process of losing it. The whole process didn’t end until Christmas Day, which, as you can imagine, was a really crappy way to spend Christmas. I let myself grieve as I needed to, but I kept faith that we’d get pregnant again soon…. and we did! Immediately after.
Because of the miscarriage, I definitely had my moments of feeling terrified that this was going to be another miscarriage or something else was going to be wrong… but for the most part I felt very calm and positive about it. I felt different. It felt like a keeper. And so far so good! We had an ultrasound yesterday that I keep describing as magical. We got to see our little gummy bear alive and well with a strong heartbeat, flipping, stretching and squirming around. While I’m sharing sooner than is typical (I’m 10 weeks 1 day), I found that us keeping the pregnancy a secret just played more in to my fear of losing her/him, so we decided to be open.
I always liked following along other bloggers pregnancy updates/recaps because I think it’s nice to see different people’s experiences, so I’m excited to share mine here. This isn’t to say that I want you to compare your experience to mine. We are all so, so different and all of our pregnancy experiences are unique. Okay here we go!
At 4 weeks, at 11:30pm after having been out to Mark’s co-worker’s place for game night, ALL I could think about was salty crackers… ALL OF THEM… and ALL OF the Chinese food. ALL OF IT. For the record, I hadn’t eaten Chinese food in 10 years because I just didn’t enjoy it that much. I satisfied the cravings with, well, crackers, and making fried rice and spring rolls the next day.
After that… cravings faded a lot. I didn’t really have anything crazy or different going on with what I was eating other than being generally hungrier until around week 7. Then I just started not wanting to eat in general. Homemade white bread and pizza was a staple around 8 weeks when nothing else was tolerable in the morning and at that same time I started feeling hungrier than I’d ever felt in my life. I would wake up with a stomach so empty I didn’t know what to do with myself and breakfast sometimes felt chaotic, but by week 9 my appetite plummeted and I hated eating. It was rare that a meal sat well, and I found one of the only things to make me feel well was beef pho from the best pho place that’s like an 8 minute drive from our house.
Currently, I’m still feeling terrible… ha. Eating sucks. I can feel okay, and then I eat a meal (anything, it really doesnt matter what… unless it’s pho) and I will feel horrible afterwards. So it’s rough.
If my husband even cut in to a rare steak by week 4, I could smell it and I was so nauseated by it. The smell of raw or undercooked beef was just NO.
Cooked vegetables (besides the cauliflower rice that I had disguised in lots of soy sauce) were a BIG NO. The smell… the taste. God it was just awful. Same went for pork sausages. I felt like I could taste the farm. It was awful.
Coffee was gross. As long as I covered it up with plenty of heavy cream or in a latte with extra milk, it was doable. Just not enjoyable. It was preferential to withdrawal though, so I just kept drinking my one shot Americano a day. Starting 2 weeks ago, I began enjoying lattes again which is AWESOME. It has like.. 40-50mg of caffeine.. WELL under the recommended maximum for pregnancy.
Eggs? I only just started tolerating them a week ago. And it isn’t a frequent thing. Usually I feel very blah about the idea.
Spinach! It took me a little bit to realize that spinach was something I was off… because I never ate spinach alone… always with things. But eventually I clued in to the fact that spinach somehow tasted bitter and had an awful aftertaste to me when before I found it completely neutral. So that was strange. Once I cut that out, the foods I was eating it with tasted less terrible… ha.
I really just have a general aversion to food. I still like the tastes of a lot of things, but since it always makes me feel horrible afterwards, it’s made it not enjoyable. Not even remotely most of the time.
I thought I really got off the hook with nausea at first. While I did have random nausea, sometimes enough to bring me to my knees, I felt like it just wasn’t that bad. I was kind of confused and a lot grateful. Sometimes I’d feel sick at night before going to bed, but I’d just fall asleep so it didn’t matter. Sometimes I’d feel sick if I ate and then got in the car… but mostly I was fine. And then week 7 came and I realized I did not get off the hook. Some days were spent feeling on the verge of throwing up or just nauseated from the moment I got up until dinner time. Some days I felt okay for most of the day, only to feel so ill at night I’d be convinced I had food poisoning. I thankfully never threw up. Sometimes I don’t know how I didn’t with how strong the urge was. There were a few days where I just yelled ‘ew’ because I felt that awful for so many hours. By week 9, I really didn’t know what to do with myself. 24/7 nausea/disgusting feeling. It made my sleep terrible because I’d constantly wake up feeling like throwing up, and I spent my days in a foggy, nausea induced haze. I cried out of frustration a few times because I was so sick of feeling sick. It also impacted how much I was able to do during the day/move my body and that was hard for me because I’m a do-er (according to my husband). I do all of the things all of the time. It’s who I am. Rest is great and I always let myself rest, but I am the type of person who spends at least 70% of my day being productive/on my feet/moving my body/getting shit done. So sitting/laying more was hard for me and my body. My muscles got tight and sore some days and all I could do was stretch to make it feel less awful.
Recently, I’ve been back to being able to move my body more by doing prenatal yoga/pilates/daily walks and/or low impact lower body/light cardio videos from Fitness Blender that have felt really good.
For the first couple of weeks, every afternoon I felt like I couldn’t keep my eyes open and I’d just need a nap. If I didn’t do that, I was exhausted by 7:30pm. If I did, I was exhausted by like… 8:30pm.
I didn’t sleep very well most of the time. I was either hot, nauseous, had to pee, or just woke up to adjust all the time because by week 7 my hips were achy. I’m usually someone who sleeps on my back, and while you’re allowed to keep doing that in the first tri, I was trying to get used to being on my side… and it made my hips achy. So it was sometimes tough to get comfortable.
My brain was usually mush by 4pm… sometimes later. Sometimes all day. Definitely the further along I got, the more exhausted I felt. A lot of days I just felt like a zombie. Things that would never tire me out, exhausted me to my core. It was humbling and frustrating, but also par for the course. By the time week 9 rolled around, I was falling asleep by 7:30pm on the couch most nights. It was rare I was awake until 9 without falling asleep at least once. I usually went to bed around then and slept til 5:30-6:30ish.
Now… I’m still tired by 7:30, but going to bed around 9pm, sleeping DEEPLY until 5:30-6ish, with LITERALLY 5-6 wake ups to pee. But I fall asleep instantly after.
Very up and down. Very classic, I think. For the first while I was just blissed out/elated at being pregnant that the hormones didn’t get to me too much… except for making it easier for me to get annoyed. But after a while I started to feel the ups and downs more, and it was really helpful to remember that this was just my hormones doing what they needed to do to grow our baby. So I ride out the lows and enjoy the highs. The lows weren’t super low… I’ll just get anxious/sometimes a little sad or feeling like I wasn’t doing enough at life (the fatigue that makes me move slower and the extra rest I need just made me feel like a lazy slob sometimes) or that I’m not good enough. Which is silly because in general, I respect myself a lot and I’ve accomplished a lot in my life. Part of it is the winter blues FOR SURE. I’ve always suffered from SADS, and my first trimester is in the the worst part of the winter… so it was mostly on the days that I was stuck inside for too long with nothing to really do that brought those feelings on. SADS plus pregnancy hormones can be hard to deal with sometimes.
So I remind myself what is bringing those feelings on, I reach out to friends/schedule friend dates/outings, spend time with my husband, get work done, make sure I exercise if I have the energy, and eat what I can, make future plans/try to make myself feel productive with planning for baby and write a gratitude journal. It helps a lot.
I can also pretty much cry at anything. Like, anything. I nearly cried a few times when I was so hungry but couldn’t fathom eating anything. I cry when I get mad. I cry if the simplest thing go wrong. I’m a hormonal wreck…lol.
Atomic farts. Thanks progesterone for slowing down digestion and giving me the most insane farts. It’s kind of hilarious sometimes, really inconvenient at others. It also makes me mega bloated during the days.
Skin breakouts. They didn’t happen on my face oddly enough… Actually my face cleared up! But I did get it more on my shoulders for some reason. I don’t really care, though.
Thirsty AF. Staying hydrated in pregnancy is no joke.
Peed a lot. Thanks to more water and my uterus pushing on my bladder. Cool, cool.
Light cramping. Just my uterus stretching. At first I freaked out a tiny bit because of the miscarriage, but I never had spotting/bleeding so eventually whenever I felt it, I just knew it was my uterus stretching to accommodate a growing baby and I felt grateful. It only lasted until week 7 or so, then it pretty much stopped. Not that the growing stopped, I just stopped feeling it.
Boobs. Oh, boobs. How you hurt. I won’t say they were insanely painful, but they did start bugging me at 3.5 weeks and just got progressively worse for a few weeks following that. They got bigger around 6 weeks and just kept getting bigger in the following weeks. I eventually found REALLY soft ‘lounge bras’ because all of my other bras (that I never really used to wear… I like never wore bras) just made the pain worse, not better. The second I put these lounge bras on I let out a loud “OH MY GOD” and I basically have lived in them since. They are EVERYTHING. Now the pain has eased SO MUCH.
And that’s all for now! I’m looking forward to the bump to start showing… which for me might be later than some women because I have a retroverted uterus and a long torso. We shall see!