I remember Kylie doing a post about what her disordered eating held her back from in her life and then posed the question – what is your disordered eating making your miss out on? And I’ve had a lot of time to learn what I was being held back from, and a lot of time to realize just how much all of us have been held back from that I wanted to talk about it here.
For me, having an eating disorder and then subsequent disordered eating (two different things), I was held back from living a meaningful life. Now, at the time, I had no idea what a meaningful life meant to me and for everyone else, your version of meaningful will be different.
What I came to discover was that I was being held back from deep connections with people, who I really was, and from having a real relationship with God. What I also learned, was that while I knew I had wanted those things, they weren’t important to me until I wasn’t disordered anymore. And when I wasn’t disordered anymore, I had the ability to actively pursue it.
Having a deep, spiritual connection with God was only possible for me once I had the brain space to cultivate it, and it was the first stepping stone to finding out who I was and who I was ultimately created to be. After that, I was finally able to create deep connections with people that I had been craving without fully knowing the extent to which I’d been needing all along and then I slowly became someone who thought less of myself and more of others. I started to enjoy donating my time in service of others, I stopped living from a place of fear and lack, and became more generous with the things I’ve been blessed with – both time and resources. I grew compassionate towards others and subsequently myself. I learned to love harder than I knew I ever could and I learned what it was like to just be.
I became a feminist. Not the ‘butch’ angry feminist picture that our patriarchal society has drawn for us (although if that’s you, that’s okay too!), but a feminist who believes that both men and women are equal. We are both human beings. We both deserve to be okay just as we are. We both deserve to not feel less than for our dna. We both deserve to be at peace with who we are and to be allowed to be who we are. We both deserve to not have to cover up our faces with make up or undergo painful procedures to change our appearance in order to demand respect. We both deserve to not go hungry. We both deserve to allow our bodies to just be. To be safe. To be comfortable. To be accepted. To be well. To pursue the things in life that bring us as individuals true joy and to not pursue the things that don’t.
For me, I could never go back starving, hating, punishing, manipulating, and stressing over my body… because to do that would require me to let go of everything else important to me and that’s just not something I’m willing to do ever again.